you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
