Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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