I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
