yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
