Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
