At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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