Don't make out with my wife yet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
