The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Randomize
