Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
