Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
