Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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