how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
