im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
