i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
