Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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