forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
as a side note pls kill me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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