ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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