Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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