I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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