Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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