i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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