So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
