Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
