just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
