Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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