he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
