Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
