I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
