I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
