dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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