What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
