people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
