If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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