i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
