tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
