my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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