i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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