After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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