just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
