handjob tips. give me some.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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