I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
