Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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