I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
