Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
