I faked an abortion last night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Randomize
