Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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