i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
