dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
