I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
