you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
